Heaven Sent

       The moment you opened your eyes, my life completely changed. The life I was ready to give up suddenly was given hope. If  before I had no direction in life, now I’m happy to be slowly taking little steps to pick up my pieces again. Since you came I was given another chance to breathe and exhale life. Your eyes that greets me, your little fingers that wants to touch me…made me feel I exist, that you need me and you want to reach out and experience my love for the first time.

       I know your silence tells a lot. You may not be aware of the things that are happening but I know your feeling it right now and I’m sorry. But don’t worry my little angel; you don’t have to say something. I’m happy just seeing you smile back at me. I promise to take care of you…I’ll be here ready to listen and willing to accompany you because you’re the answer to my every prayer. Always remember, I’ll do everything just don’t leave me. Stay with me and we’ll journey life together.

      Tomorrow, if I’ll see you again…I’ll let you feel my warm touch, hold you tight and shower you with my genuine love. I hope you’re listening. Thank you for bringing back my happiness. You not only made my life complete…you also brought two hearts together even for a while. Thank you for bridging the gap that brought you to the world. 

Black Christmas

      Christmas season is just around the corner. I’m just wondering if this will just be another ordinary Christmas for me. I hate it, this feeling of guilt whenever this season is coming. Actually, I don’t feel excited. It’s a season to be jolly according to a song, but who cares. I’m in a black hole where Christmas doesn’t exist. Who the hell cares if I’m happy?

       I’m not to blame, I wanted it to be a white Christmas but she just won’t let it happen. Now, I got use to it, celebrating Christmas in my solitude when it’s supposed to be an affair together with family and friends. I don’t mind, celebrate it the way you want it, just don’t judge me why I feel this way.

       This is becoming harder and harder I know. Every year I want Christmas to end and just pass me by. I’m tired of feeling this way but it’s my only way to survive. Maybe in time I would slowly bring back the good things that this season has once given me. I miss my Christmas! I miss myself. I miss my life! When will I finally give in to what I really want? This hatred is killing me each passing day. I can’t forget and I just can’t forgive. The pain is still here. Christmas is fast approaching and the hatred keeps on building up. I have my reasons and I want it to stay until I finally find that special reason to let go of this pain that has been here for so many years. Well, I can’t stop Christmas from coming. Be it. This black Christmas will continue to exist and will forever plagued me for the rest of my life.

Vulnerable Heart

Amidst all my fears

Reasons has come along to conquer it all 

Vulnerable heart, who’s the culprit?

Indubitably, but hardly explained 

No one but the person named after this poem 

 

Gorgeously dressed up by fate

Aware not being destined by hate 

Resurrected & reflected with love & affection 

Carry me thru your fragile arms

Inculcate the pureness & sweet sensation 

Adore for I also come along to love you forevermore

Ticket To Hell

      I’ve been in limbo in the past few days. Honestly, I have no idea why these things are repeatedly happening in my life. I really don’t know where I’m heading. I’m confused as always, what’s new. I hate this feeling; this feeling that keeps on coming back. I feel so all alone and isolated. When one aspect of my life is not good, expect the worst because the rest will certainly be affected and the results are devastating both physically and emotionally.

       My only complain is why me? My God I’ve been good, I’ve been fair all my life and this is what I get in return may it be with friends, family, work, fuck name it, I have them all in my list! I remember when I was my younger, my dad would say, when you grow up its important to be fair always. That’s what will keep you apart from the rest. Ok, I followed my dad and he was wrong.  Its not working, people are really born to take the bigger piece of the cake and they won’t stop until they don’t get every piece of everything. Maybe I’m the problem but why? All I did was to think of what they would feel first before minding my own feelings. Fair enough? Fuck, of course, 100 percent fair! But I’m not getting what is rightfully due for me.

       That has been the case always and it’s tiring. I’m tired of being pushed around by people who don’t even deserve any fair treatment or judgment. Life sucks and will continue to suck. If you all want hell on earth, then I’ll give it. I tried to avoid becoming who I was before but if you want it, I’ll bring it back and raise hell once again! 

Clinically Insane

Everyone has his own sad story to tell. Who cares! They say sharing your experiences can somehow ease the burden. Yah right in some way but it’s a risk we all have to take if we want to preserve our sanity in tact. Here are some ways to help you keep sane and live to tell your story.

1) Never attempt to share your problems to your mothers.
2) Listen to advices but push with what you believed in.
3) Hold your ground and don’t be distracted.
4) Blog ‘til you run out of words to say.
5) Smoke and drink all you want when you feel you’re breaking down into pieces.
6) Visit porn sites once in awhile to keep in touch with reality.
7) Think of things you’ll be trailing behind if someday you’ll lose your mind.
8) Forgive yourself.
9) Talk and think less.
10) Do things not because you’re sane.

The Eraserheads' Legacy Lives On

         It was around 4pm when I received a text from my staff that I can enter the Eraserhead Reunion concert with them for our coverage. I was excited because originally my plan was to buy a ticket from the venue itself and watch it with a couple of friends; but I guess God has other plans for me. I received more than what I’d hope for. I was given a media pass and a backstage entrance for the concert.

          It was indeed historic, a magnificent event that I would never forget for the rest of my life. Would you believe? I was actually in front of the stage, a place where everyone wants to be in. Anyway, I was a bit nervous when I was about to enter the venue because openly I’m really a big fan of the Eraserheads and like any other fan, I also can’t believe that this concert is actually happening. Everybody was screaming and the anticipation gets higher as the start of the concerts gets nearer. After awhile, all the lights were shut off and the countdown began. Then from a life-sized screen at the center of stage, came “The Beatles” of the Philippines, four iconic individuals gracing the much-awaited concert of the year. It was definitely a once in lifetime experience believe me. I don’t know how to react. I can’t believe what I’m seeing because after more than a decade, the Eraserheads are back once again now even better and much stronger.

          Eli, Marcus, Buddy and Raymund sang their hearts out. Just like their fans they were as thrilled to be actually sharing this common dream. A dream that someday they can patch things out and start something new for them and for their fans. True enough, the dream came to reality through this humongous reunion concert. Everyone was having fun until after set one’s break, Marcus, Raymund, Buddy, the organizers and some of Eli’s family members went to the stage and announced the unexpected. I already knew what was happening. I can sense it coming. I saw an ambulance rushing someone to the hospital and I was wishing and hoping that it was not Eli but my gut feeling said it all. The unexpected happened. Eli was rushed to a nearby hospital after suffering a mild heart attack due to unexplainable circumstances. The whole venue stopped in silence as Eli’s sister announced the tragic event. I just can’t believe it. This dream come true event for me fell right before my very eyes. I wasn’t disappointed but more of distracted and shocked upon hearing the news.

        Everybody was stunned and the venue suddenly transformed into a vast land of uncontrolled emotions. Many fans cried as the night that was envisioned to be historic ended with a tragic incident. The family together with the band members and an estimated crowd of 30,000 followers offered a 1-minute of prayer for Eli’s quick recovery.

         I had the time of my life that I can’t deny but as a fan of the Eraserheads I was devastated. The word is right, devastated. I just wish for better things to happen after this momentous night. I know that in God’s will everything will be perfectly alright for Eli and this band who inspired me through the years. Again thank you for the music, thank you for living our dreams! You just rocked our world again! Keep on walking…keep on believing…the Eraserhead legacy will live and will forever stay in the hearts of every Filipino!

Hell Breaks Loose

       There are just things that we can’t control. These are things we don’t want to happen but are bound to happen just like what I’ve experienced the other day. I never wanted such thing to happen but because I had to do something about the situation, I burst out and asserted my sentiments. Let’s just say that my anger that day almost degraded their being. I just lost it; I lost control of everything, my reasoning, just thinking and fair judgment. You can’t blame me; I’ve been good to them since day one and this the first time I got berserk after 5 months of being silent on their unprofessionalism and stubbornness.

          All I wanted was to be heard and to reinstate authority over something that was being neglected and overseen for so many months. I could have done it in a good and a more civil way but I guess that kind of approach is not anymore applicable to these people. Actually, I have nothing against them, we’re all friends but when it comes to work, it’s all a different ballgame. They didn’t deliver then suffer the consequences and this is not the first time this thing happen as I’ve said a while ago. It’s an every week occurrence, a vicious cycle I would want to put an end to. Being dominant and harsh is the only way I know how; to make them realize that yes they have an obligation to fulfill, that they are what they do and that being in this business takes a lot of hardships and dedications to remain afloat and intact.

          I don’t regret anything. I know I’ve hurt their feelings and in a way crossed the line a bit but they all deserved it. I’ve been quiet for sometime and they abused it. I’m fair, just and very objective but when my back is against the wall, I could be your worst nightmare. Anyway, life must go on for me. I’d probably take this experience and learn from it. But I’d like to still thank these people for making me feel bad that day because if not for them I would never feel what its like to be a human again.