Unfamiliar Queries

      If I were not a writer slash editor slash producer what would I be now? If I didn’t conquer my fear before would I be as lonely as I am now? So many questions so little time to answer them accurately. But seriously, I guess going back to these unfamiliar queries somehow helps us face the present and what tomorrow has in store for us.

      Actually, I’m not being regretful or anything, I just want to find answers to these what if questions that once upon a time affected my decisions and perceptions in life. Ok, if I were not a writer, I’d probably be a haciendero. Yah you heard me right, a haciendero. I would probably be living in an isolated barrio somewhere in the south managing my own hacienda. You see I love nature so much; a laidback living in that case would fit me perfectly. I would just be hanging around in this sanctuary, breathing fresh air as I await the night and the next morning of my life. Of course this would be spent with my family. Hmmm…tasting fresh fruits everyday, swimming the freshest waters and simply enjoying life as it unfolds That’s what you call living. Hay, I just wish these were all true.

      Next, if I didn’t conquer my fear before would I be as lonely as I am now? The answer is hell no! Definitely, I would be happy at present if I did so. I must admit, life has never been fair to me. I’ve been to many battles, some of them I won and some I lost but still I’m standing firm on the ground ready for the next big war in my life. Ok, I was overwhelmed before. I fought the battle fair. As a true soldier I conquered my fear and fought for what I believed in. I sacrificed my personal happiness for a new life, which during that time was the right thing to do. I was so focused and determined to get the responsibility that was given to me without any hesitation…and of course because of love. Now, though I have no regret, still it made me think, what if I didn’t fight for that love? What if I cowardly faced that problem then? For sure I’ll be happy now…that’s for sure! But then again, it’s past already. The decision has been made and all I can do which is now I’m doing is just to look back and write it down for the next generations to read and learn from. Huh, feels so good, somehow!

           If only…two simple words yet so very powerful. Huh! Give me a break! I guess all that matter now is to simply remember all those what if’s, forgive oneself and move on. Sounds simple but very difficult to do. Others can do it, but there are some who just can’t. So to survive, let it out and express it but in a nice way. Keep the questions coming as I find answer to mine before I finally end this composition. You? Do u have your own what if’s in life?

Poisonous Love

I was walking alone

Finding where I belong

Then you came along

Everything went wrong except this song

My life suddenly came alive

It was you I was waiting to arrive

I thought I could not contrive

But you believed and I was able to survive

The touch of your hand

Took me to another land

Where castles set on the sand

And birds fly high without a strand

You held me so tight

Though it wasn’t right

 Even offered this thread of light

That brought me back my sight

What more can I ask for?

You gave it all and opened the door

To all the things that helped me soar

Now I want to thank you more

With this I want you to know

Our love was never meant to grow

Let’s just go with the flow

And leave everything before it blows

Beyond Being A Man

   As a man it is important for us to preserve our masculinity and pride. We always have to be strong and able every time so not to lose our glare and manliness. We can’t be vulnerable, we can’t even cry! This is what society wants us to be. Alright, we could follow these standards but I choose not. I want to break boundaries and say what I want to say regardless of what others would think. Here are the things that I would not normally say in public or in front of my loved ones, family and friends!

1) “I feel like pouring my sentiments…I just want to let it all out and cry.”

2) “I’m jealous can’t you see.”

3) “There are things I can’t do. I know myself and my limitations.”

4) “Hold me closer, I’m scared of what tomorrow will bring.”

5) “I also have emotions I need to guard and take care of.”

6) “I’m tired of absorbing everything you say, can you be sensitive enough to absorb mine?”

7) “I’m running out of thoughts and ideas.”

8) “I can never be the man you want me to be.”

9) “I can’t live without you.”

10) “I’m a big loser… yes I am.”

Now I'm Talking

      I’ve been watching the stars in the night for almost everyday of my life. I am hoping that someday the questions that I’ve been looking for would somehow be answered. It was not long ago when everything seems perfect in my life. I have everything that anyone can aspire for. Believe me when I say that it was seemingly a perfect life; but as the saying goes not all good things last.

         I never thought that I would be as unfortunate as I am now. I barely could feel what it’s like to be happy. My world stopped all of a sudden. The changes that I never imagined started to happen in my life. I lost myself, my family and the one thing that makes me alive and happy… and that is love. I could not believe everything that I see now. It was fast; the changes have eaten me whole. I could not handle it because I never thought that I would be in this situation. God knows how I live my life the way she wants me to live it. I gave it all, my heart and soul but I lost the battle. I didn’t reserve anything for myself. Now I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere wanting and grasping every air that comes my way just to survive another day. I wanted to be fair, I wanted to understand why things have to happen but as the day passes I’m starting to realize that there’s no one to be blamed but myself. This would never happen if I didn’t allow it to happen. But what can I do, I just did what my heart wants me to do. I let my heart decide and the rest was fucking history.  

        So what is the point in all these? Actually I really don’t know. All I know is I want to talk from within. I want people to understand what I’m going through right now. It’s ironic though that I’m still here busy entertaining my emotion when I should be doing something to move out of this black hole. I may not know how, but I will try to finally free myself from this agony.

        This is not meant to be read, it’s meant to be understood so not to judge me on how I stated my emotion and thoughts on this piece. I may sound sensitive…I really don’t mind. All I want is to let everything out before it explode and becomes out of control. Now, I’m really talking!

Genuine Devotion

I’ve been waiting for so long

Wishing for that special song

Then suddenly I saw your face

So sad just like this empty space

Now everything is in proper place

 

I never thought this could happen

Something I thought I would be saddened

Now you’re here all of a sudden

Thank your for easing this burden

Relax as we explore together this garden

 

Set aside your fears

Listen carefully and lend me your ears

This time you won’t shed any tears

I’ll keep you company

And keep everything in harmony

 

Tell me everything

I’ll be here listening

To your every call I’ll be running

Oh darling you look stunning

Can we now start a new beginning?

 

I’ll promise from now on

My love will flourish and lead you on

Hold on tight and enjoy the ride

For I’m ready to swallow my pride

Just tell me if you can be my bride

 

Quit Smoking

        It was 2^nd year college when I started smoking, 9 years ago to be exact. Yah, I know its bad for my health but I just keep on coming back. I tried to quit 2 years ago but it just won’t happen. It’s in my system and I’d probably die smoking. No regrets at least I can say I live my life the way I want it to be, no pretentions and all. So here’s a rundown on why I just can’t quit this addictive habit.

1) It relaxes me whenever I’m in deep shit. I can think clear after puffing a cigarette and it feels better.

2) I can’t drink without smoking.

3) It helps me a lot when writing. It boosts my imaginative side, which is very vital in my line of work.

4) If I’ll stop smoking now, I’d probably stay awake for the rest of my life. I just couldn’t sleep without smoking one cigarette.

5) It’s my alternative for food especially now that I’m on a strict diet.

6) I’m the impatient type; smoking relieves my tensions and anxieties.

7) It gives me a sense of security especially when I’m all-alone and thinking of the things I could have done to make everything work in my life.

8) It dictates my mood for the day.

9) Smoking keeps me sane and rational.

10) I want life to be shorter that’s why I can’t stop smoking.

Farewell Eraserheads

         It was a night to remember, another historic event that will forever be etched in the hearts of the fans of the most influential band in the county, The Eraserheads. Indeed, nobody can replace them, the band that brought Filipino music to the next level and revolutionized the music industry with their distinctive style of music. Truly, another world-class performance from The Eraserheads!

         The Mall of Asia concert ground was filled with an estimated 100,000 screaming fans and devotees wanting to be part of history for the last time.  Ely Buendia, Marcus Adoro, Raymund Marasigan and Buddy Zabala all graced what was reported to be the last and final set before the band finally breaks up. The concert opened with a 30 minuter presentation of the history of the band, how they came about and the struggles they had to face to reach immortality. Then came, the opening…though it was not as fabulous as I expected it to be still it was a great start. The four “gods” of the music industry stood tall and embraced immortality once again as they sang their timeless songs that almost destroyed the four corners of the MOA concert ground. Their 1^st song “Magasin” made the crowd scream for more. Ely was looking healthy and perfect. Raymund was hitting the drums as if there’s no tomorrow. Marcus set the house on fire with his guitar artistry, as Buddy impressed the crowd with his bass expertise and prowess. Again it was surreal, seeing these four individuals in one stage. I was again overwhelmed. They gave one hell of a show singing their all-time favorites, “Minsan”, Poorman’s Grave”, “Waiting For A Bus”, “Maskara” “Trip To Jerusalem” “Alkohol”, “Overdrive”, “Super Proxy” and more.

          But the night wasn’t just for the Eheads fans. The show was also dedicated to the late Francis Magalona as he was expected to perform during the concert. The band gave their own rendition of “Kaleidoscope World” which the master rapper made famous during the 90’s. Everybody became emotional as the band finally bid their farewell to Francis M.

           After the heart-warming goodbye to Francis, it was time to say goodbye for the band. The last song, “Huling El Bimbo” ended the decade long dominance of the Eraserheads. They sang their heart out for the last time…gathered in the center of the stage and for the first time after 6 years, Eli, Marcus, Raymund and Buddy hugged each other thanking their fans for their support and love for the band. Finally, the lights went off, the exits were filled and the Eraserheads finally signed off as a band.

          I just couldn’t believe it. It’s over! The Eraserheads is now history. This maybe their last performance but their legacy will remain forever in my heart. I’m proud to be fan and will continue to live my life the Eraserheads way. Goodbye for now…I’ll wait for the day when this monumental band will once again rise from the grave and lead their fans to greatness and immortality! Again thank you for the music and thank you for the memories.